Poor Latvia

Anonymous asked: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO!?

I heard legend of place with many potato. I went on long boat ride to search for magical potato land. I rode on horses - three of them, two die - to Riga. I avoid many soldier on way to shipyard. I sneak on rickety boat and hide under canvas sheet. Also under dead dog.

Boat travels slowly for many days, and I have many sicks. Sicks mostly bile because of no food (except dog). But then - boat stop! I wait until is very quiet, and sneak off boat. 

What I see is beautiful land. Green grass and green hills. Things Latvian only dream of. There are animals that look like clouds with legs! Can you imagine? I follow these animals to farmhouse. I knock on door. Old man open.

“I am from Latvia. I heard legend of land with many potato. I come to find potato for family to live,” I tell him.

He answer in very strange language I do not understand. It sound like English, but also like old man is gargle. I ask him repeat.

“T’ere aren’t any p’tatoes on t’is fair isle n’more. ‘aven’t yeh heard t’ere’s a famine here in Ireland?”

I walk back to dock and cry. I hide under dog and canvas and cry. I come back to Riga, still cry. I get home, out of tears. Also out of potato.  

japcoregalore asked: this is the best blog on all of tumblr, hands down. thank you, poor latvia.

That very kind of you to say. In Latvia, compliments almost rare as potatoes.

nozombiesnoshinyday asked: No, this is not funny. This is totally immature. And your english sucks.

Famish Latvian never funny. Underfed Latvian often immature.

What is point of yours?

indigosamrah asked: you update more, might give potato

I was on long sojourn for potato. Did not find.

Return, find maybe potato for update.

Tears of joy, I weep.

Anonymous asked: immature little kid

Yes, I have had before. Are you offer yourself to my family for to eat?

Old Latvian proverb say “Is better to have potato and lose than never have potato.”

Of course is silly. No Latvian have potato in first place.

One day Latvian man see friend drink potato juice.

“How you get potato juice? It cost much money,” he say.

Friend say “This not potato juice, is just urine.”

Latvian comedian say “What deal with potato?”

Latvian crowd not laugh.

Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.

There is no crowd. All die from malnourish.

Anonymous asked: wtf ? poor latvian? are you an idiot or something? twat

I not understand. There Latvian who not poor?

Also what is “twat”? Can I eat?

Latvian girl say, “I want go America one day.”

Father say, “I send you America.”

Daughter is thank father. Make tears of happy. Father use to salt potato.

Father think moment, say, “Daughter, I no send you America.”

Potato needed more salt.